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Originally posted by Gary Banks
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definitely sounds scary. -
EARLY MANIAC
Frank's always 5 minutes early! Perfect attendance at school every day growing up and always early for work. Shit's annoying to everyone around him. And they let him know it! They let his ass know he's early and he's crazy! He's the Early Maniac!"When I die, I hope to go to Accra"Comment
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SPECTACLES, TESTICLES
The big city, long ago, when things were awesome and crowds carried cash. Moll 'Cutting' Ball is a nearsighted pickpocket, a looker with a real feel for things, but she's all alone in the crowded streets. When men so much as glance at her she runs away in terror: standard male gaze stuff. One day while robbing a blind man blind, she feels a gun in his pocket; wait, no, he's just glad to see her. Turns out he's Lando the Blind, the king of the pickpockets, and he falls hard for her with his fingers in her purse. When they eventually take their hands out of each other's pockets, they're in love. The meet cute over, the lovers become an unbeatable pickpocket team, but twist: he can see outta one eye, and he's secretly been checking her out the whole time. Lando thinks she's on to him, and knows if Moll ever finds out, she'll cut his nuts off, which gives him an idea. While she's peering through his shades he thinks fast: maybe if he cuts his eyeballs out and hands 'em to her to show he's really blind? But instead, faster than Tod Browning can say "O. Henry", he cuts his nuts off and gives her those, passing off his jeepers as peepers. They live happily ever after. Merry Chrissmas.
"Men don't make passes at lasses in glasses because castration anxiety" - Sigmund Freud
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WALLET & WATCH
Sequel. Boxing Day. Moll becomes angry and newly suspicious when Lando beats her every time at Where's Waldo. Lando realizes his mistake, but rather than apologize, he yells that the pocketwatch she got him was a pretty shitty present, and storms out. Phew! Dodged that, he thinks. Moll's still angry, and gets even more pissed looking at the fucking wallet he got her. Who gets a pickpocket a wallet? Is the magic gone? Off to the returns desk! She shoplifts a new outfit while she's there, and notices some guy watching her with that look. Because she's already furious, instead of running she storms over to cut this dept store dick for lookng at her, but just as she flicks her razor open, she's finally close enough to see that it's Lando! WATCHING her. With his eyeball! She slashes at him, trying to cut his nuts off, but the joke's on her, and they fall into each other's arms laughing. They exchange their presents, and Charles Bronson smiles and wishes them Merry Chrissmas.
"Snick!"Comment
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VIAGRA FALLS
Man with issues finds himself to drawn to Niagara Falls and going over the Falls in a barrel. But does that barrel seat two? On the way to barrel suicide he accidently bumps into the woman of his dreams, and falls in love. The barrel's going down but the penis is going way up in this post holiday film dump."When I die, I hope to go to Accra"Comment
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SISTER ACT but directed by CARTER STEVENS. That's it, that's the pitch.
SISTER ACT II: TANYA'S ISLAND
Twins Tanya Roberts and Vanity find a gunny sack of mob money on the set of TEENAGE TWINS and have to hide out on Skull Island. Soon, they're teaching the larger primates...Comment
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LOCK DOWN THE HONKY-TONKS
Naso (Buck Owens) worries that his girl is out honky-tonking during the pandemic while he's locked down on tik-tok. He sings Close Up the Honky Tonks, a hillbilly Ain't No Cure for Love, and haunting version of PFFT! You Was Gone. Goes viral, then she dies.
THE OPENING OF MISTY ROWE
Sequel. Devil (Jamie Gillis, with a banjo) takes a liking to Naso's girl and sends her back to earth alive and kicking to mend her ways and a second chance at love. Naso doesn't recognize her with her mask on, but with some lovelorn advice from Lisa Todd, Minnie Pearl, and Gloria Leonard, maybe there's hope. Buck sings Gloom Despair And Agony On Me; reprised by the whole cast during the orgy sequence.Comment
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ACT UNATURALLY
Naso (Buck Owens) gets some powerful urges to commit unnatural acts with the likes of Minnie Pearl, who sings "You Can Keep Your Hat On" during the festivities. Junior Samples and Grandpa Jones also have a nude love scene."The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at 11".Comment
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God I hope that's on an analog channel with shitty reception. I mean, I'd watch it, but I wouldn't want to see it.Comment
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THE SWORD OF CONAN
When U-boats sink Boy's dugout, old king Conan decides he can brood on his throne no more: Jane, his wife (Penny Singleton, Blondie) insists he do something about those Nazis. Conan rides the Paths of the Dead Kennedys to muster an army of the dead. From the mist comes Ossie Davis (JFK), the deadliest of the Kennedys, with a scimitar. "Just me, I'm the only one coming." Conan shrugs, claps his old friend on the back and laughs heartily: "You call that a sword? THIS is the sword of CONAN!" He whips it out, and they (and we) compare swords in a long panning shot about the duration of a trip around two new Enterprisez. "Lemme tell you about Nazis," says a grim Conan, looking straight into the palantir. Suddenly, over the hill bounces LEMMY in his tank, summoned by Conan's invocation: "I hate Hyborian Nazis!!" Can they defeat the Nazis? Can they also steal a bunch of shit and will there be a big snake? How big, exactly?
Tagline: "Your sword is long, and mine bends towards justice. Plus, we have a tank, by Crom!"Comment
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ODIN, DAD OF THUNDER
Odin's juggling a lot, what with being the Allfather, so when he begets a new kid, his hands are really full. Pretty much an Asgardian shit my dad says, honestly, but funny and Shatner-free. I see Spader.
"It's all fun and games..."Comment
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"When I die, I hope to go to Accra"Comment
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I'm gonna need you to pick the lottery ticket numbers, Barry.Originally posted by Barry M View Post
"When I die, I hope to go to Accra"Comment
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