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Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: April 16th, 2024.
Director: Various
Cast: Linda Vroom
Year: 1971/1970/1970
Linda Vroom Triple Feature – Movie Review:
Alpha Blue Archives brings together a trio of less seen XXX oddities all starring the voluptuous blonde bombshell known as Linda Vroom (definitely her real name!), who was active in the sex film business from 1969 through 1973, with this triple feature DVD release.
Love Secrets Of The Kama Sutra:
This fifty-two-minute softcore epic, directed by 'Antoine Gerard' (who may or may not be Raj Devi who may or may not have directed Kama Sutra ‘71) in 1971 for 'Kuhuna Productions,' revolves around a young couple that are running into trouble in the bedroom, so they do what any young couple (Ms. Vroom plays the wife) in their situation would do – they track down an Indian sex guru who wanders around in robs with a staff, stopping early in the film to pet a goat, out in the California desert and sit down with him to talk things over. It makes perfect sense when you think about it! He has his pretty maid make his visitors comfortable and speaks in a kinda-sorta Indian accent, that slips in and out and sometimes sounds very American, about grace and beauty. He then gives a brief history about the Kamu Sutra and its three parts and about the significance of the book’s title.
Anyway, this guru is a total expert on carnal encounters and, thanks to his extensive knowledge of the infamous Kama Sutra, he’s able to make some valuable suggestions that should spice things up for our two lovebirds. As he explains various techniques, tactics and positions, we see them acted out through a series of vignettes – after starring into the “pool of revelation” - starring various performers, some instantly recognizable and some not so much.
First up, we learn how "woman is fire" as we see some dude make out with a pretty brunette. Things get hot and heavy quickly as the guru talks about the different congresses of love and how two can become one through proper lovemaking. From there, we learn how men and women develop, the importance of the vaginal cavity and of finding a suitable mate. This leads to a sequence in which a pretty blonde has sex, using a few different positions, with a white guy in a turban atop a bed with many pillows - don't forget to fondle the woman's breasts! From there, the guy in the turban has sex with the pretty brunette in front of a statue of Buddha on a hard floor.
After that, a woman comes her hair while a naked guy comes up behind her. They make out and take their time with the foreplay, the room light by a candle-lit chandelier and, again, the bed covered in pillows. From there, a group of nine lovely women, one of whom is Uschi Digard, hang out front of another statue of Buddha in a grotto or sorts where one lucky guy hangs out and the ladies do some synchronized swimming and very light lesbian groping. This cuts to an indoor scene where Uschi fools around with a cute dark-haired lady near a fireplace. on a red leather couch that, surprisingly, only has one pillow (but it's a cowhide one!).
Moving right along, a blonde in a pink draped outfit does some pelvic exercises on the floor to prepare for sex. The guru's narration explains the significance of each exercise. This scene cuts to another male/female couple screwing around in front of that Buddha statue again. The guy in the turban shows up again and has sex, in front of Buddha, with yet another woman and then we get some interracial sex with a white dude and a cute black chick. From there, the turban guy has sex with a brunette on a bed with many pillows
With their sexual education now complete, the couple bid the guru farewell and head back to their home, but not before running off into the bushes where they try out a few of their newly discovered sexual techniques. When the guru’s maid walks in on them, she joins in on that fun, and that’s more or less it.
This movie plays itself surprisingly straight, tackling the subject matter with the utmost seriousness despite the many and varied cultural inaccuracies that are all over the place, and often times, unintentionally very funny. There isn’t much in the way of acting here, the performers in the sex scenes do their thing effectively enough and Vroom and her character’s husband mostly just sort of sit around and listen, meaning that the real star of the show is whoever it is that played the guru in the movie. This guy is pretty great, sporting long white hair and a long white beard and looking not at all like a white guy in robes and maybe a bit of bronzer. His narration is great, with the accent changing a few times here and there, as it details the different techniques that we see in the movie and explains why they’re effective and important. In all fairness to this wonderfully goofy movie, it does at least attempt to treat the actual Kama Sutra seriously, using actual parts of it in the movie in ways that actually make sense in the context of the narrative.
It's all very goofy, but it’s also a lot of fun and pretty entertaining. And hey, Uschi. It’s always a good time when she shows up.
Enter The Virgin:
Up next is the forty-six-minute Enter The Virgin from 1970. The print used for this release doesn’t have any credits, just what appears to be a newly created title card added to the front, so who knows who directed this one but unlike the first feature, it is full-on hardcore, and it gets pretty rough in spots.
When the movie opens, a pretty brunette named Kathy is in bed, woken up when a man shows up, pulls off her covers and forces himself on her – this happens in near silence, with what sounds like a loud heartbeat pulsing in the background. He carries her off to the bathroom and then it's time for a golden shower - yuck! Poor Kathy doesn't look especially pleased by this turn of events. It turns out this was just a nightmare and Kathy is woken up in real life, wearing full makeup of course, by her friend Jan (Vroom) who insists that, since she’s a twenty-five year old virgin and keeps having erotic nightmares, she should go see a shrink.
Jan refers Kathy to a shrink who makes house calls. The doctor shows up and quizzes her about her background, her childhood and her parents and then he determines that he has to give her a cervical examination, just to make sure everything is all good downstairs - this is done to the sounds of some Bavarian chamber music. He then decides she needs help in overcoming her fears of the male organ, at which point he whips it out and her fear soon becomes curiosity as she gobbles his dong.
After that, Kathy goes home and talks to Jan and another woman named Carol. There’s a party happening soon and Carol, who swings with her boyfriend Jerry, plans to have Kathy lose her virginity to a guy named Hugo. He’s only too happy to oblige but not before he has a three-way with Jan and Carol.
Before you know it, it’s Saturday and time for the party! They watch a few XXX movies and hang out on the couch chain-smoking for a while and then everyone gets naked and starts fooling around, Jan effectively playing ringmaster as Carol and Jerry go at it and Hugo makes his moves on an anxious Kathy (she doesn’t stay anxious for long) who won’t let him seal the deal. The party ends with some partner swapping and then we cut to Kathy talking to the shrink again, talking about what happened and he suggests that her reluctance to let Hugo slip it in has something to do with a childhood incident – cut to Kathy under hypnosis remembering how she saw “Dad hurting mommy,” and then we cut to Jan David and Peter Dawson as her parents having sex, which young Kathy mistook as her mother being harmed. There’s a bunch of frame jumps and missing footage, we see the shrink mount his favorite new patient and then it just ends.
This edition is clearly missing a bit of footage towards the end, but it does include the watersports material which, honestly, came as a bit of a surprise. The rough opening scene stands in pretty stark contrast to the rest of the movie, which is full of people having fun, consensual sex and just enjoying one another in that way, but it definitely gets your attention. The use of music in the movie is interesting as well, as it goes back and forth from some rather stirring classical compositions to weird, guitar-heavy, almost surf rock style motifs.
This isn’t shot with any style, it’s mostly just people having sex inside what was probably the same house where it was all shot, but the actress that plays the lead role is charming, enthusiastic and quite attractive so it has that going for it.
Keyhole Poker:
Finally, we get a thirty-three-minute production from 1970 titled Keyhole Peeper. This one starts off with some jazzy instrumental muzak as a guy named Jack tells another guy not to get his fingers caught in any locks. He leaves the prison site where he's been locked up for the last year and walks along the highway until he runs into a foxy blonde (Linda Vroom) who needs some help. It seems she's having some car trouble, so he tells her to sit down and have a cigarette while he changes her flat fire. She knows he just got out of the clink, and he tells her he was framed. It turns out this blonde is named Sharon and after the tire has been fixed, she offers to drive him back to her place. He is, understandably, open to this offer.
They cruise along the highway and make small talk, and she makes it very clear that she's willing to screw him. He tosses a coin, and she tells him "tails it is." Back at her apartment, Jack meets Sharon's darkhaired roommate, Connie (whose voice sounds an awful lot like Carroll Connors, though the actress isn't her). They suggest that they had sex, but that scene isn't in the print used for this transfer, if it was ever there at all (some wonky edits suggest it was). The two girls then lay Jack back on the couch and wouldn't you know, it's three-way time for the poor bastard.
After that, the three of them sit around, enjoy some drinks and talk about a party that's going on up in the hills hosted by a guy named Harry who Jack knows is the head of the syndicate. It turns out that Harry was involved in the setup that sent Jack to the big house! The three decide that this time around, they're going to frame him by stacking the cards so that Jack will win against Harry and allow them to take him for all it's worth! Sharon used to be a dealer in Nevada, so she knows how to do this.
At this point, they all head to Harry's place, a fancy ranch up in the mountains, where a few others are hanging out, including Lois (Jan Davis again), who is in on the plan. The women all head off to their respective rooms. Apparently, the winner of the game gets the keys when it's over, but meanwhile, Lois decides to have some fun with a dude named Phil, and then Harry shows up and the game, strip poker for all intents and purposes, is on!
This one is entertaining enough in its own goofy way, even if none of the performers here are going to win any awards (Vroom is the best actor in the cast). The movie has better production values than the other films on the disc, it goes outside a few times and features some decent scenery and a few different locations, all of which help to make it more visually interesting. The girls are okay looking as well, which is obviously a plus. The film builds to a pretty amusing conclusion as well, with the conflict that’s established early on between Jack and Harry coming to a pretty fitting conclusion.
Linda Vroom Triple Feature – DVD Review:
All three movies on the DVD are presented in the 1.33.1 fullframe aspect ratios and they’re all perfectly watchable if not especially remarkable. The first two features are taken from what appear to be film prints, albeit ones in less than perfect condition. Expect jump cuts and damage throughout as well as visible color fading. The third film looks a little softer than the first two for whatever reason. All three are watchable enough, especially if you’re familiar with (or even have an affinity for) old school grindhouse prints, but don’t expect visual perfection here.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono sound mixes are on par with the video presentation – it won’t blow you away, but it’ll do. Some hiss and background noise are omnipresent but that’s to be expected. Most of the time, the truly gripping dialogue is easy to understand and follow and the levels are fine. There aren’t any subtitles included here, but the plots are easy enough to follow so this isn’t a big deal.
As far as extra features go, Alpha Blue Archives throws in a ten-minute loop titled Initiation Rites from 1970, which is silent save for some background music. In this short, we see Linda and a few other girls hanging out with some bad ass bikers that seemingly make them pledge their allegiance. From there, the bikers lay down a zebra print rug, get the girls naked and blindfolds one of them, a cute redhead, who then goes down on the biker leader while his associate plays with her boobs before screwing her from behind. The guys take turns on her and the biker leader never takes off his helmet, dark shades or World War II-era German-style helmet. While this is going on, Linda and the other two girls get frisky and have rad lesbian sex.
Also included on the disc is an additional fourteen minutes of footage from Keyhole Poker that didn’t make it into the feature cut of the movie. This scene, titled Linda Vroom/Annette, sees our starlet outside with her man for what looks like a picnic, but which soon turns out to be a make out session, a grope-fest and, well, then some (barely) softcore sex. After that, that same lucky guy winds up back at a house where a foxy brunette, possibly Annette, takes care of him.
Linda Vroom Triple Feature - The Final Word:
Alpha Blue Archives’ DVD release of Linda Vroom Triple Feature offers up three lesser seen films from the early days of the west coast adult film industry that all feature the titular starlet in decent roles, and throws in a few bonus features as well. The presentations aren’t sterling, but they’re watchable enough and those with an interesting in early seventies smut or fans of Ms. Vroom herself should find this release quite intriguing!