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Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: April 16th, 2024.
Director: Ed Wood
Cast: Malta, Uschi Digard, Marland Proctor, Lynn Harris
Year: 1969
The Only House In Town – Movie Review:
Never heard of Malta before? Well, if you’re a fan of sixties and seventies sexploitation movies, you might just recognize her. According to the packaging for this release, she was born Neola Graef in Long Island, New York and worked in live theater and as a nude model before making the movie to Hollywood in the 1960’s where this shapely, buxom blonde appeared in scores of softcore exploitation films.
When 1969’s The Only House In Town begins, a group of men and women (one of whom is Uschi Digard, credited as Mishka Valkaro!), led by a guy with a beard, arrive at a house, possibly the only one in town, and chase a pretty dark haired woman (Lynn Harris) who is partially nude through the rooms and halls of the place. It seems they’re criminals and she ratted them out to the cops! When she's finally cornered by the group, she begs them to leave her alone but they're not having any of it. They approach her with a knife and then haul her down the stairs and once they're on the ground floor, they rape her - Uschi rubs her boobs on the poor woman, for shame! The rape soon turns into an orgy and no one seems especially upset about any of this, least of all our supposed victim, but there is a picture on the wall of someone that may or may not be Charles Manson and a weird gothic painting prominently displayed in the background throughout all of this.
Once the gang rape/completely consensual orgy (which is set to a soothing selection of classical music) is over with, we're forty percent of the way through the movie, one of the women stands up and confesses that it was her that tipped the cops. Oops! At least everyone got laid.
Cut to the entry of a house, presumably the same once since it is the only one in town, and Uschi is dressed to the nines in a fancy black cloak, matching black hat, nylons and boots. The cloak comes off as does the dress underneath and in her typically thick accent, she attempts to tell us a tale of the house that happened a long time ago. From here, we learn that this place was a whorehouse that employed up to twelve girls at the same time. From here, we see a bunch of random people (one of whom is Malta, credited as Patsey Broadston, and most of whom look very familiar from the first scene!) arrive in a room, mostly naked, and gyrate a lot to the sounds of 'Whole Lot O' Blues' by The Blues Train. This clearly un-choreographed dance sequence soon turns into another orgy but two of the girls get into a cat fight over one of the guys. A brunette stops the fight by getting up and dancing some more, this time to some Hawaiian style lounge music. With the conflict solved, everyone gets back to bumping and grinding. There's a case of Canada Dry Ginger Ale in the background.
Uschi gets back to work as the narrator and tells us a different story that took place in the house wherein the guy with the beard shows up to see Uschi (playing a different character maybe?) but she doesn't want anything to do with him. She calls him a "filthy, dirty old man" but he isn't relenting and she decides to let him in and give him one more chance, warning him not to manhandle her or she'll blow his brains out. Of course, he gets rough with her and throws her to the bed to have his way with her, and after he's done that, we cut to the next scene where a "Nice guy like Rick" is standing on his head for reasons never properly explained. He gets back on his feet and sweet talks Uschi, which leads to a make-out session which, of course, turns into Rick getting laid - and good for him! He seems much nicer than the guy with the beard and Uschi deserves a nice guy. When they're done, he does a naked headstand for her.
Narrator Uschi, topless at this point, introduces another story about a woman named Bouncing Bula. When we meet her, she's talking to Uschi about her work as a stripper. There's a lot of background noise so it's hard to tell what's going on - maybe someone was doing construction in the next room? Anyway, it turns out that Bula is "curious" about Uschi and as she combs her hair, things get hot and heavy and they wind up getting naked and having rad lesbian sex while 'No, No, No' by Johnny Cole Unlimited plays in the background. Hooray!
Cut back to narrator Uschi, who mutters something to the camera and then takes off her stalking, naked except for an ascot. The rest of the characters from the movie hop into bed with her, and she tells us to get out. The end!
Fifty-three minutes well-spent! There’s not much of a story here and most of the movie’s running time is made up by the sex scenes but that’s ok. The girls all look good and there’s a wonky sense of humor to all of this. Despite the fact that some of the scenes are a bit rough and, to sensitive modern viewers a little cringey, we’re not meant to take any of this in the least bit seriously. Directed by Edward D. Wood Jr., credited as Flint Holloway, the movie doesn’t really have a lot going for it in terms of plotting but Uschi fans will appreciate seeing her front and center in all of the action, and serving as our humble narrator as well.
Like most of Wood’s sex films, or all of his films really, this was made fast and cheap and it isn’t especially well put together. During the orgy scenes you can hear someone off camera, possibly Wood himself, directing the cast and wanting the camera to get a better look at Digard. Much of the dialogue is indiscernible and difficult to follow, including some of Uschi’s hosting bits, but as there isn’t much of a plot to this at all, that doesn’t matter so much. But hey, Wood completists will get a kick out of seeing this obscurity and the fact that a whole lot of its running time is made up of attractive naked women running about doesn’t hurt anything either (some of us are, admittedly, easy to please in that department).
The Only House In Town – DVD Review:
The Only House In Town arrives on DVD in 1.33.1 fullframe and that would likely be its proper aspect ratio. Taken from a soft looking tape source, this is watchable enough so long as you keep your expectations in check. The image is a little wobbly in a few spots but stable more often than not. Detail is about what you’d expect, given the source, and colors are a bit on the faded side but if you’re a fan of vintage sexploitation and adult films from this era, you’ve definitely seen worse, even if you’ve also definitely seen better.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono sound mix is on par with the video presentation – it won’t blow you away but it’ll do. Some hiss and background noise is omnipresent but that’s to be expected. Uschi’s dialogue can be a bit tough to make out in spots and some of the dialogue is buried under weird background noise but that’s clearly baked into the original audio and probably can’t be eliminated. There are no subtitles provided.
As far as extras go, we get 1970’s Vice Hustler, a fifty-eight minute begins when a cop with rad sideburns named Bill picks up a shapely blonde hooker (lovely Malta) but rather than take her to jail, she decides to work something out with him and cooperate. They wind up at a random house and the cop introduces her to a guy named Tony, who sports a giant moustache. He looks kind of like Meathead from All In The Family. Anyway, they get her naked to "check out the merchandise" and our cop takes off to let whatever happens happen. What happens is... they have sex, and she's just as into it as Tony is, even giving him a baby oil rub down!
Elsewhere, Detective Sideburns nabs another foxy lady, this time an attractive darker skinned gal, for solicitation and the same deal applies, rather than spend some time in the clink he takes her off that house again where he coerces her into slowly undressing. After they have sex, which incolves him whipping her with a belt first (she's clearly laughing while this happens), we cut away from his pasty white ass doing the old in/out and back to Tony getting it on with blondie. We cut back and forth a few times between the two scenes, some shots slipping into hardcore territory here and there, and then all of a sudden the two ladies are going at it!
From there, our titular vice hustler makes a phone call to a guy, offering to bring the two girls over for "a bill and a half." The guy on the other end of the phone agrees and an old man in a striped shirt shows up. He's far more excited by this than they are but they get him naked and the expected three-way plays out.
Still on the clock, Bill trails a pair of ladies after they split from the hotel room they were entertaining two men in. One trick pony that he is, he flashes his badge and takes them off in his Cadillac. It turns out they're married and so were the guys, and Bill's got film of them in action. He blackmails them into having an orgy with Tony, the old man and the first two ladies, and this time Bill joins in on that action. Everyone has sex on the floor and Tony gets freakishly sweaty. There's an amusing, if semi-predictable twist at the end that we won't spoil here.
This one is also tape-sourced and features an obviously video generated title – was Vice Hustler the real name for this cheap little sleaze-fest? Who knows, there are no opening or closing credits on the presentation to give us any sort of clues (this is not the movie listed on the imdb also known as Fuzz that was released by Vinegar Syndrome on their long gone Exploitation.TV streaming service, as the one lists John Holmes and Uschi Digard in it and they are nowhere to be seen).
Thin on plot, the movie does, again, feature an attractive cast of all natural ladies in various states of undress, which helps offset the fact that the guys are pretty horrible looking. The acting isn’t anything special but it’s cool to see a nice old Cadillac cruising around what looks to be California. It isn’t an essential watch by any means, but it’s an amusing no-budget sexploitation picture. Oh, also, be prepared to have to play around with your aspect ratio settings to get this one to 1.33.1, as it defaulted to a stretched 1.78.1 presentation (once you make that change, it’s fine).
From there, we’re back in Ed Wood territory with director Joseph F. Robertson's 1969 epic, Love Feast, the sordid sixty minute story of a cross-dressing photographer named Mr. Murphy (played by Wood himself, of course!). But before we get to that, the opening credits, wherein a pretty blonde gal (an uncredited Lynn Harris), her body the canvas for some painted flowers, plays with a stocking and gyrates over a gold statue of a cobra!
After that, we see Murphy, looking resplendent in his white suit, glaring into the camera like a lunatic as the movie flash cuts between his grim visage and some naked ladies. He’s called up a few modelling agencies asking for women to photograph for a line of see-through clothing and is eagerly awaiting their arrival. A skinny brunette arrives at the door and he talks her into undressing so that he can photograph her and after he takes a few snaps, they head into the bedroom for a make-out session, but that's interrupted when a blonde shows up at the door. She aggressively lets herself in and then jumps Murphy's bones on the couch. They head into the bedroom for a three way, but before that can go down another woman shows up at the door. The two girls left in the bedroom have rad lesbian sex while Murphy gets her naked next to a small gold statue of a gorilla (his house is nothing if not swanky).
Soon enough, all four are in bed together when they're interrupted yet again when a cabbie shows up. Murphy directs him to the bedroom where the three girls have their way with him. Murphy, on the other hand, takes this opportunity to chill out in the backyard and drink. He's interrupted yet again when another blonde shows up, but the orgy is interrupted yet again when another pretty brunette arrives at the door. Everyone once again hops into bed but an exhausted Murphy, leaving the door open, goes back to his glass of wine, so that when the next girl shows up she can let herself in and find the orgy on her own - which is just what happens. Once his drink is finished, Murphy goes back to the party but things get crazier when four more women and a two random plumbers show up. The new female arrives slap a chain and collar on Murphy and dress him up in a negligee and heels before getting naked for him in the living room. After he licks their leather boots, they wrap him in a silk cloth and all wrap their arms around one another and dance!
Malta shows up in this one as well, she’s the foxy blonde in the short red dress. Sure, it’s basically the same gag over and over and this is mostly just an orgy that gets bigger and bigger as the ‘story’ goes on, but Wood fans will certainly appreciate (or maybe not) seeing the man himself, who co-wrote the story with the director, show up here in the world’s biggest pair of tightie-whities. Looking very much like he’s completely sloshed, Wood grimaces for the camera and hams it up, swollen from drinking and looking unusually puffy but seeming to have a great time, throwing out horrible (likely ad-libbed) puns and spouting off plenty of inane dialogue with no shortage of enthusiasm.
The girls look much healthier than wood does here, they’re all attractive enough and plenty naked, though you can’t help but occasionally be distracted by some of the amazing late-sixties décor on display in the house that serves as the film’s singular location. Whoever decorated this place deserves a medal, but this strange case of Ed Wood’s art imitating Ed Wood’s life is, while admittedly very primitive and poorly made, a fascinating artifact from his later years.
Up next is 1970’s Dirty Pool. This final feature is just as simple story wise as the other attractions, if not more so. Written and directed by 'Ed Stevens' (so says the opening credits), the movie follows a young married couple with a problem. You see, the woman in the couple is a 'sun goddess' who can't get enough tanning. This results in her having a whole lot of pent up energy that she unleashes on her husband in bed. He states that he's a sexual victim to help absorb some of her energy, as it's too much for one man to handle so he calls in another couple to help him out – Buck and his girlfriend (Malta).
Here the girlfriend's narration kicks in, we get her side of the story and find out that they're both very sexual creatures and very much looking forward to the upcoming challenge and we then find out, of course, that the sun goddess is Uschi. We see her go down on her man at the poolside and then we see the couple en route stop at the side of the road for some equally oral relaxation techniques. Uschi strips in the pool and fondles herself a bit, then gets it on with her man while they await the arrival of their new friends who are now involved in full on intercourse out there at the side of the highway.
When they finally arrive, they find Uschi in her bikini at the pool. The girl wastes no time getting her naked and going down on her, and soon Buck gets in there for a little fun too. After the three-way, the girlfriend runs off with Uschi's husband to do him inside while Buck takes care of Uschi solo. Eventually everyone moves in side and has an orgy on top of a bear skin rug that involves a lot of toe sucking and faux humping (though some of the cunnilingus action looks like it might not be faked).
A lot of the narration in this movie rhymes, which gives it kind of a wacky beat when it plays out over top of the free jazz soundtrack. The plot exists only as a way of moving the viewer from one sex scene to the next and there's really not much of a story here, but that's okay, as, like in Foxy Lady, the softcore action is steamy enough to hold our attention throughout the quick one hour running time.
The Only House In Town - The Final Word:
Alpha Blue Archives’ DVD release of The Only House In Town Plus The Lost Films Of Malta won’t razzle dazzle you with stunning picture quality but it does offer up a quartet of Neola Graef features, two involving the legendary Ed Wood, in watchable enough presentations. Approach these more as vintage sexploitation artifacts that legitimately erotic content and appreciate these oddities as the product of a bygone era and you’ll have plenty of fun here.
I'm a sucker for Uschi so admittedly I want to see in only an ascot.