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Released by: Impulse Pictures
Released on: April 13th, 2021.
Director: Donald U. Canard
Cast: John Holmes, Gloria Adams, Colleen Brennan, Janice Bronson
Year: 1975
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Around The World With John “The Wadd” Holmes - Movie Review:
“You're looking at the Golden Gate Bridge, one of the two wonders of San Francisco. The other wonder? Me, because I've got the biggest cock in the business.”
This narrated line, delivered in the instantly recognizable voice of the late John Curtis Holmes himself, opens this feature from 1975. Essentially a loop carrier with some stock footage inserted in between sex scenes in an attempt to give the movie some international flavor, it’s a pretty goofy picture but most of the girls are cute and Holmes’ narration is frequently hilarious, even if it probably wasn’t meant to be. The whole things is clearly all dubbed, which each of the scenes in the movie narrated first by Holmes and then by his partner (sometimes with bad foreign accents).
The film opens in San Francisco with a fairly standard scene where Holmes, who has many different jobs throughout this movie, works as a photographer. We first see him in a photo studio setting up some work with a model named Charlene. A girl named Sally, his secretary, shows up with coffee. John screws Charlene and then he gets Sally nude in front of the camera and then screws her next.
From there, John heads to Las Vegas to “find a great cunt to match the greatness of my cock.” Upon his arrival, he decides to sell sex toys, his old business we're told, and he starts knocking on doors to see if anyone is interested. Remarkably, his first stop is a hot and horny blonde named Shirley (who is voiced by Colleen Brennan but played by Lynn Homes). She invites him in and he pleasures her with a few sex toys and then after showing her how much fun she can have with them, he bangs her. She is grateful for the banging that he bestows upon her, as are all of the other women in the movie.
Up next, Holmes hops a plane and flies to New York City where he gets turned on by the thought of “millions and millions of cunts in such a small space waiting for John C. Holmes' cock.” Somewhat randomly, he meets a woman named Cheryl (narrated by someone who sounds like Georgina Spelvin but probably isn’t), the greatest cocksucker in New York City we’re told, and they get it on after she proves she’s worthy of the title.
After that, John heads to London, his first time there we're told, to attend a contest for the greatest cock in the British Empire. His hope is to win the award in honor of his ancestor Sherlock Holmes. First an Australian man screws a redhead (Cyndee Summers) but he and the two people in the crowd, Lord Cuckhold and Lady Cynthia Cuckold (Trish Prado), don't feel the energy. The redhead and Lady Cynthia get into an argument, and then Holmes, in a cape and mask, pulls Cynthia on stage and bangs her. We assume he wins the contest.
From here, John goes to Paris after leaving the 'weirdos and sex perverts' in London. Hhere he picks up a hot brunette named Dominique. They can't communicate verbally even though her portion of the narration is in English, but that doesn't stop them from having sex. Holmes has a goatee in this scene but not in any of the others.
His last stop is Rome where he decides he has a duty to bang Italian women by not limiting his cock to Paris. It seems that while he was in Paris the women were following him around in droves and throwing themselves at him. It got so bad he had to wear a disguise! Anyway, he's impressed with the many prostitutes in Rome and after getting it on at some cat houses (we don’t actually see this, he just tells us that he did) he goes back to his hotel to relax where a girl named Sophia (Becky Sharpe) appears out of nowhere and seduces him. It seems that Dominique let Sophia know John was on the way and totally worth banging.
Tired, exhausted even, John decides that it's back to San Francisco to recuperate. He arrives back at his home where his best friend surprises him with three chicks (Gloria Adams, Susie Carlson and Janice Bronson) that screw him. He’s tired, but he knows that they want him really bad, so he just sort of lies there and lets them do all the work. The end!
It’s all pretty plotless but amusing enough in its own way. The sex scenes are pretty standard, made memorable only by Holmes’ infamous loofah sponge dong, but for the most part the girls are all attractive. Production values aren’t anything to write home about, these are shot as you’d expect older porno loops to be shot, but the cinematography, as basic as it is, gets the job done. Really, it’s Holmes ridiculously pompous narration that makes this one as entertaining as it is. He seems really intrigued by the smell of his conquests’ nether regions (this comes up a few times in the movie) and if you were to take a drink any time he says ‘cock’ or ‘cunt’ you’d be dead on the floor by the half hour mark.
Around The World With John “The Wadd” Holmes - DVD Review:
Impulse Pictures has transferred Around The World With John “The Wadd” Holmes from a worn and faded print. Framed at 1.33.1 fullframe, which would appear to be the right framing for this material, the transfer is perfectly watchable, just expect some minor print damage throughout most of the presentation. Colors look a bit flat sometimes, and detail is less than perfect, but for a standard definition offering of unrestored elements, this is fine.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono track is a little flat in some scenes but aside from that it sounds just fine. There aren't any glaring problems with distortion and the dialogue stays clear throughout. Levels are well balanced and the score sounds fine. Some minor hiss is present in a few spots but it isn’t overpowering or really even all that distracting.
There are no extras on the disc, just a static menu offering scene selection.
Around The World With John “The Wadd” Holmes - The Final Word:
Around The World With John “The Wadd” Holmes is pretty basic in its storytelling and its execution but Holmes’ fan base will appreciate the fact that he’s in every scene and that he’s cast alongside some nice looking starlets. The narration is hilarious and makes this one worth checking out. Impulse’s DVD release is barebones and unrestored but it offers a serviceable presentation of a pretty fun movie.