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Vampires Suck (Extended Bite Me Edition)

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  •  
    Todd Jordan
    Smut is good.

  • Vampires Suck (Extended Bite Me Edition)



    Released by: 20th Century Fox
    Released on: 11/30/10
    Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
    Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Ken Jeong
    Year: 2010

    The Movie:

    So what do you do when you aren't original enough to come up with your own story for a movie? You either remake an older movie or you make fun of a newer one. Vampires Suck falls into the latter category in this latest effort by the people who brought to the masses such parody films as Scary Movie (parts 1 through 4), Date Movie, and more recently Meet the Spartans. Get ready for more hilarity as they make fun of the recent fad of sissy vampire stories, more specifically the Twilight saga.

    Not having seen any of the Twilight movies, this reviewer had to rely on the other person in the room who is familiar with said films (and books) and she had to provide the lowdown on what happens. Evidently the filmmakers basically retold the same story here, but made it all goofy…and not funny.

    Becca (Jenn Proske) is an angst-filled teenaged girl who recently moved to Washington State to live with her policeman father Frank (Diedrich Bader). She's a morose, sad little girl with a piece of shit pickup truck. She soon meets a young man named Edward (Matt Lanter), a pasty faced, orange eyed boy who just so happens to be a vampire. And there's a guy who has the hots for her named Jacob (Chris Riggi) who is a werewolf, but her heart belongs to the vampire. And so there's a love triangle, bad vampires against good vampires, and werewolves. And yuks ensue. Here are some examples of the tomfoolery:
    • Becca is confronted by mean vampires. She throws a knife at them and they duck. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is behind the monsters and gets hit instead “I was trying to help you” she says as she falls.
    • A fat fisherman is accosted by the mean vampires. He gives one of them Cheetos when the vampire says he hungers. Then the fat guy whips off his shirt and says he does MMA and beats one of them up.
    • Becca parks at school in her beat up truck in front of a sign that reads something like “parking for crappy truck driven by misunderstood teen”.
    • A hungry vampire sees Becca's face as a Big Mac.
    • The wolf boy is distracted, yells “Cat!” and chases a cat. Oh and he pees on a fire hydrant too.
    • The wolf boy calls his wolf pals, and four or five chiseled guys show up and perform a homo erotic dance number to “It's Raining Men”.

    And the jokes just keep coming, but none of them are good. That statement being made by someone who has not seen the movies they're poking fun of, and that being said by someone who knows exactly what they are poking fun at. They got two funny guys in the movie, but don't give them anything funny to say. Diedrich Bader (Office Space, The Drew Carey Show) is wasted in his role, and even Ken Jeong (The Hangover) can't bring this one up from the dregs. Lame from start to finish, it's a total waste of an hour and a half. Absolute shit.

    Video/Audio/Extras:

    Vampires Suck is presented here with an aspect of 1.85:1 widescreen, AVC encoded, and in 1080p high-definition. Colors are incredibly vibrant and the image is quite clear. There is visible grain, but only if you're looking for it. The black levels are deep and the skin tones look fine. It's not the best of the best, but it looks better than many. No artifacts of any kind to mention and the disc was void of any imperfections. Well, other than the entire movie being one big imperfection.

    The audio is 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio, with an optional French track in 5.1 Dolby Digital. It sounds great with no imperfections to mention. It seems perfectly balanced and has plenty of sound effects and music coming from all around with lots of subwoofer action.

    The extras are slim with just a few items. “Deleted Scenes” start it off with 12 minutes and 34 seconds worth of deleted or extended scenes, with a Play All option. Next is a “Gag Reel” which plays for 3:51 and contains more F-bombs than the entire movie (not bleeped out) but still isn't any funnier than the movie. Third is the trailer for the movie, and then a “Sneak Peek” at a couple of other titles. The disc comes with the option to play the PG-13 theatrical cut, or the extended “Bite Me” edition. As to the differences between the two, who knows. The “Bite Me” version was played for the purpose of this write up, and it had no boobs, no copious amounts of red fluid, and nothing saw raunchy or graphic to as to be put it in the “R” rated realm. If memory serves they say “fuck” once and even a “pussy” reference, but beyond that nothing. Oh and thank God for the bonus disc Digital Copy of the movie, so it can waste people's time on their portable devices too.

    The Final Word:

    A painful movie with awful attempts at humor, with absolutely nothing even slightly interesting going on in it. The picture is nice and the sound is great, but with pretty lackluster extras. Save your money.

    • Mark Tolch
      #1
      Mark Tolch
      Senior Member
      Mark Tolch commented
      Editing a comment
      My girlfriend is a fan of the Twilight films (kill me) and she decided to check this out. I got to the part with the fisherman and had to leave the room. Horrifically bad film. I don't remember thinking that the Scary Movie films were that great either, but I think that the first one had a couple of laughs.
    Posting comments is disabled.

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