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Big Hard Sex Criminals Volume 2 Deluxxxe Hardcover

    Ian Jane

  • Big Hard Sex Criminals Volume 2 Deluxxxe Hardcover

    Big Hard Sex Criminals Volume 2 Deluxxxe Hardcover
    Released by: Image Comics
    Released on: January 3rd, 2017.
    Purchase From Amazon

    After a bit of a break, Fraction and Zdarsky are bac with the latest issue of Sex Criminals, a series everyone in the universe aged eighteen and over should be reading. A quick recap? Suzie and Jon stop time when they cum - they figured they were the only ones who could do this but they were wrong so when they tried to pull off some Robin Hood action after some particularly good sex, they got in trouble.

    This one starts off with 'The Orderly' - he's a regular middle aged guy who takes care of his elderly mother. She needs his help and he's happy to give it to her. It's what he does for a living, helping the elderly. On this particular day, however, he's reminded himself with post-it notes that it's June 24th. When he remembers this he pulls off the highway on his way to work and stops at an Asian supermarket, heads inside and leaves with a box. From there? He heads to David Bowie's Golden Years Retirement Home 'where the elderly are our heroes' to start his shift. Ater work he heads home, puts his mother to bed, undresses and opens up that box. He's got some alone time now and gets to work…

    Or so we think. Cut to Jon and Suzie and Kincaid are sorting through files on a laptop, files that they swiped from Myrtle Spurge that contain information on others like them. Meanwhile, Myrtle is giving head to The Doctor. They finish up and he wants to know why her husband just messaged her and she wants to read his case files. At the same time, Robert Rainbow and Rachelle are figuring out where the physical side of their relationship should be. Or not.

    But back to Suzie and Jon and Kincaid. Our heroes get the boot from her office once they confess how they bankroll their exploits so they head off to Miami without her to start tracking down others like them. Starting with Douglas D. Douglas, the orderly.

    When this twelfth issue starts, Kincaid is in the lecture hall talking to her class about the definition of normal and how that ties into definitions of straight and how abnormal can tie into the definition of monstrous.

    Meanwhile, Jon and Suzie have entered into the 'cum world' of Douglas D. Douglas, an anime enthusiast with some unusual tastes and some unusual abilities - his ejaculatory fluid has turned into some sort of angel/fairy thing and it's speaking to them in a strange language. If you've seen any hentai you'll have a rough idea of where this one goes with one word and one word only - tentacles. Our heroes get the fuck out of Dodge as fast as they can.

    While this is going on, Myrtle and the doctor are digging around where they shouldn't be digging around. They shoo their partners in crime away and they in turn head off to the car for more of the same. Everyone is screwing everyone, or so it seems. At home, Myrtle's marriage would seem to be a little lacking. Doctor Dave is getting stalkery. Robert Rainbow and Rachelle are in bed and he has a dream that makes him question things. Kincaid's lecture gets more intense, more specific… Suzie wonders why she doesn't have the same sort of powers that some of the others who have this ability do.

    Then they discover a 'dong forest' and, yep, more tentacles. “I'm going to ejaculate sparkles into your heart.”

    Sex Criminals #13, by 'Harvey Award Winning Humorist Chip Zdarsky And Chums' (if you don't get the joke Google “Chip Zdarsky” and “Harvey Awards” to gain an all new respect for the man), starts out with a scene where an office worker reassures the boss, a guy named Jim, that he's got this. “Your boots are on his neck.”

    Turns out the person on the phone, the one who isn't Jim, has a thing. This person disrobes and jumps off of the roof of a tall building, and then we flashback to that person's past. Carl Sagan (or someone supposed to be Carl Sagan but who is never named this avoiding legal trouble) is on PBS making her think she's from outer space, a feeling that never went away. She had a brother, Joe, who warns her to never be alone with their step-father, Bruce. She didn't know why then, but she figured it out when she got older. In high school she dated, tried to pretend that sex 'made sense' to her and that she was just like everybody else. Of course, because it doesn't make sense she assumes something is wrong with her.

    Joe's 'suicide' cements this. She's confused, fucked up, doesn't get it… until one night Sagan comes out of the TV and makes love to her. Or does he? Her boyfriend Jason doesn't seem to know what she wants when she agrees to go to the make-out party at Doug's place with him, but she did it because it was expected, not because she wanted to fuck him. And then he tries to talk her into a blowjob (it's here that Zdarsky's art becomes so cinematic that it hurts more than blue balls!). Maybe her brother had the right idea. So she tries it, and it's orgasmic, or close enough to orgasmic that it would seem she has a certain ability. She tried sex but it was too much like sweaty wrestling. This is how Alix gets off… jumping off of buildings and bridges and things that should kill her if she landed the way you or I would land.

    And then Alix, when walking down the street minding her own business one day, sees that nasty 'Cum Angel' just sort of hovering about…

    Oh, and Jon and Susie get some coffee.

    A cop named Myrtle Spurge has just sent a collection of Dr. Kincaid's past pornographic exploits to Chancellor Meatballs, the man in charge of the school where she is employed. Her goal is to get Kincaid fired, and it's probably going to work as this is a clear violation of the institution's ethics policy.

    From here we head to Splurge's house. She masturbates before her alarm goes off and then gets down to cop business - sexual cop business that is - before the kids get up and want pancakes. She gets word from her posse that there's work to be done and we watch her head to work at the precinct where she works behind a desk - always masturbating but never finishing, to keep herself on edge.

    From here, we learn about a man named Todd Stubaker, a skell who was 'bent as a kid and never unbent.' Despite a fairly normal upbringing, his mom's tendency to offer up affection only on her own terms and her own schedule turned Todd into a 'sexual weirdo.' It made Todd find ways to get her affection when he wanted it - a broken toy or, as he got older, a self-inflicted injury. This lead to an adulthood where Todd got interested in some increasingly kinky activity in an attempt to fill the void that could not be filled. Eventually, Todd became a sex criminal, but he has trouble perfecting what Susie and Jon got to be so good at. Eventually he starts using totems to get what he wants and when it proves effective, he starts making 'fuck Smurf' totems and leaving them around where they can and will be stepped on. That's his kink.

    Splurge and her fellow sexual cops are tracking Todd. They track him to the mall where Splurge takes it upon herself to destroy all of his totems before he can get the release he wants. They catch him and Splurge talks to him about the importance of not getting caught - he could ruin it for the rest of them. The cops warn him, and take off. After that, Jon wanders into the parking lot and talks to Todd. It seems like Jon hasn't moved on after all…

    The Wide Wiener man is serving wieners galore to kids at the park out of his truck. As he's changing mustard and meat for cash, he notes an observer not too far away - a woman in a trench coat, watching him. He recognizes her, it's Kegelface. He shuts the window and takes off in his truck, leaving a small army of disappointed kids in his wake.

    Jon and Suzie are driving in their car later that night. He wants to talk, she's quiet. She's upset that he lied to her, but he defends himself, or at least he tries to. They get to their destination - a weird sex themed amusement park. She's not impressed, but they're there for a reason - to meet Todd, the man who 'sends weird little turd-shroks into people's bedrooms at night.' He's never met up with anyone who can go do what Jon and Suzie can do, and he thinks they work for 'her.' They try to correct him, he tells them to fuck off and splits. This isn't going well.

    In the boardroom at Badalcorp, Kuber Badal makes a pitch to potential investors. He doesn't need their money, he needs their partnership. During his presentation he uses research that they've done on Jon as an example of what his technology can do. One of the members of this small audience, Miss Ambrose, sort of tunes out. She knows Badal brought her and the others out here to send a message - he tells her 'don't fuck with this, it's bigger than you' and then turns off the lights and leaves the room. She leaves and makes a phone call to Dewey and he tells her he owes someone an apology.

    Elsewhere, Jon is made up in purple for the screwy new play he's working on - Huftch: Turn Off Canada. Jon realizes it's a bad idea and he walks from the stage, he's done with this. On the way back home he has an 'imaginary' conversation with the Incrandleberry Huftch about 'what's missing' right now. He comes home, tries to talk to Suzie, and she leaves. This happens while Jasmine tries to figure out if dating a shrink is a good idea or not. Jon gets a strange note from Todd that sends him rushing into action in a race against time, and Suzie goes on a job interview.

    The Wide Wiener mobile has crashed. Jon finally finds Suzie and decides they should talk. She agrees, but neither of them wants to do it. Things are awkward; there is palpable tension in these panels! Not too far away, Jasmine and her new shrink boyfriend are going at it. He can't make her cum and finally they give up. She knows what it's about though - this is for him, he needs to make her climax to satisfy his own ego because of her porn star past. She doesn't want to be needed, she tells him it's gross. She wants to be wanted. Big difference. And she's right. Even if Dave doesn't want to admit it, he knows she's right and it bothers him - but can he change it?

    Suzie and Jon sit across from one another, coffee on the table, memories of one another and what they once had flipping through their minds, but neither of them is really saying anything. Suzie grabs him, kisses him, and they get undressed. He tells her this is a bad idea, she agrees, and continues to be the aggressor. They do it 'one final time, one for the road' and Jon almost ruins it by trying to apologize to her. She stops him, they finish quickly and once again time stands still for them.

    Suzie packs her things, while Jon makes his way into the Badalcorp Building. He has a plan. And then Suzie winds up meeting up with Rachel again.

    This issue is sad. It's genuinely sad. Because Fraction did such a great job of making us care about the characters in the earlier issues, this twentieth chapter has real dramatic impact. It stops short of becoming a soap opera, there's still the quirky perverse humor here that makes the book what it is, but the real heart of this particular installment is the crumbling of what our two main antagonists once had and clearly no longer do. At least for the time being. And on top of that, there's all that Rachel is going through that just adds another layer of, yes, sadness to the storyline. The realistic kind, the kind that is all too common in life.

    This issue is a bit of a gut punch, frankly. But it's really, really well done. It's a great example of just how important character development is to an ongoing series like this, and how it matters so much more than action or humor or explicit kinky sex - all important elements in this book, of course, but when you don't care about the characters it's a throwaway. This isn't a throwaway. And Zdarsky's artwork, sometimes cartoonish in its own interesting way, does a remarkable job of communicating the emotion and the pathos inherent in what Jon and Suzie are going through as well as both the humor and the harsh reality of Jasmine's situation with Dave.

    This collection doesn't end with the funniest issue or the most shocking issue of the series, not by a long shot, but it just might be the most effective and engaging chapter of Sex Criminals so far.

    In addition to reprinting issues 11 - 20 of the ongoing series, this hardcover also includes some keen bonus material starting with 'The Big Ol' Interview' in which Matt Fraction interviews Tiffy Thompson and Alex Hoffman, who are 'the REAL sex criminals, the models and inspiration for Chip and ... a nation?' This interview is pretty interesting and as comical as you'd expect. Alongside the text we also get a look at some reference photos that Z'Darksy took of the couple next to his illustrated versions - the likeness is as uncanny as you'd expect. There's also a text piece here penned by Alex Pappademas entitled 'In The Back Of The Van With The Blacked Out Windows This Is The Music That Plays: An Oral History Of The Wide Weiner Song.' It includes input from Fraction and Z'Darsky as well as various musicians, authors and dead, disgraced Presidents.

    We also get a few pages of 'Chip's Stupid Details' in which the series' artist shows off and explains many of the background jokes that are scattered throughout the series and that make it as entertaining as it is not just to read, but to look at. One page for each issue - some of the detail here you probably won't catch the first or even second time reading the series, it's fairly insane what Z'Darsky works into this series sometimes.

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